For some reason or the other, strange states of mind have been haunting me lately. Ranging from moments of extreme elation and heightened awareness and happy moment, to times of weird, slow, lethargic melancholy.
It is not the disturbance that bothers me most, it is the state of not know what it is…not knowing what to do, not knowing where to be, and not knowing what to think.
To be lost in the moment and enjoying time as it comes has become rare. To look sensible and put up with things, life and people around me is more a farce than it is reality at times.
I have this weird desire for silence, for peace and nothingness around me. It is as if i want to just take a step out of my body and for a moment just look at what goes on, how things are, how people are, maybe just fix things to whatever extent I can and then just vanish. I feel less. Lesser and lesser of me with the passing days and moments in time. The shadows of the walls around me fail to hold back the sun, and in the open, there is no sun. The day is now the night.
Things that I want to say, cannot be said, what I want to do, cannot be done, what I want to be, just cannot be.
I feel like I am cheating my family, my friends into saying that things are fine, that I am fine, for I am not. For I have never been. Criminally insane, in perpetual disdain.
A slow rot eats into me skin, my flesh, succumbing, my mind, eroding, my thoughts, just flowing, disappearing, maybe evaporating. My life, just fading.